Have you ever had to work really hard to save your marriage or relationship??

My husband and I just happily celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary two days ago! Our relationship is usually peaceful with minor blips here an there. Last summer was a completely different story though...

My hubbie had accepted a job, a year prior, with completely unpredictable hours, we moved to an area 7 hours away from the nearest family or friends, I had two little boys and was pregnant with my third, and both of us grew further and further apart...to the point where we couldn't be in the same room for an extended period of time without saying something nasty to each other. The 'D' word was even mentioned once or twice.

We embarked on a 3 month journey in counseling. We were both willing, although sometimes reluctant, to admit that we both had to work hard to learn each others communication styles. It was no surprise to find out that we were both completely opposite. The surprise came when we realized that it was OK, an sometimes worked even better, for us to be opposites.

My husband is quiet and calm. He's very slow to react or argue when confronted. I, on the other hand, want a response right now! The more he would back off, the more I would dig. It would usually end in a volatile and humiliating (for me) display of emotions.

We don't really do that anymore. I have learned to give him ample time to respond to me, sometimes even setting a time that I would like to see or hear back from him. He has learned how to disengage from my emotional responses in order to try and figure out what is really bothering me.

Apparently, if I am really tired or hungry, I can become very nasty and say or do things that I would not otherwise say or do. Rather than closing up and retreating, which would just get me going even more, my husband tries to figure out the real problem and will often say something like, "Maybe you should go have something to eat, and then we can talk." Usually this is all I need, and oftentimes I come back an hour later with a piece of humble pie!

This summer, even with three small boys, the same crazy job schedule, financial strain, and other chaos, my husband and I are still going strong! I think there still needs to be some level of upset and disagreement in a healthy relationship, just to keep you on your toes!!

Congratulations on saving your relationship! This is such a great story. Counseling does work. I always say that. Yet I see people all the time who refuse to go to a counselor, for a variety of foolish reasons. "I don't want to discuss our problems with a stranger" is one of them. Well, in most cases, they should. Something clearly isn't working, and "the stranger" is a professional who knows how to fix it.

Mommyof3, very nice post. One of the best posts in WF in a long time.
You have set an example and given hope to readers who have
difficulties in their marriages. Giving your post a rep.

-F

Hi Mommyof3

Congrats on saving your marriage

You are absolutely right - my spouse and I are exactly the same and constantly working on our communications skills. It is a work in progress and I doubt it will ever be completed, but we always keep in mind that we love eachother and we promised to be there for one and the other no matter what the circumstances are.

That's a good post, mommyof3. It was fortunate that your husband agreed to go to counselling. Most husbands won't. They won't even acknowledge that there is a problem with them. Congratulations for having an understanding husband.

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I know of a situation where the opposite happened: the husband had suggested going to a counselor, but the wife refused. They have been separated for many years now. Interestingly, he was the problem (big time); I think she should have used the chance to have a professional third party to talk some sense into him, but she thought it embarrassing to discuss their problems.