Okay, so just to let all of you know.. I'm a little obsessed with my past lately. I just recorded a few vlogs.. and I'm going to also put them on my you tube if you want to check them out. I would LOVE to get some feedback from all of you. I'm just in so much pain right now, but I'm also happy. My past just keeps coming back to me. Luckily, it doesn't haunt me like it used to, but I'm soooooo soooo scared to visit my mother. Like, I can't really explain how I'm feeling. I'm very sorry if I bore you guys with all the talk, but going to see her is the biggest thing I think I have ever done. All the pain and fear she has put me through, I never,ever thought I would WANT to see her again.. any advice would be wonderful. Thanks guys.. I just wanna cry right now, but then again.. I don't. I'm sooo emotional!! Here's a little story about my younger self hiding in my room, hoping my mom will just leave me alone. My siblings are gone and I'm just alone.. why?:

I never understood why she treated me this way. I was always hiding in my room, wondering when I would be able to sneak upstairs to get a snack without her wanting to ask me about my day at school. I thought back to the days when I was happy, when my family was near. How could she have just taken me away from all of that? Everything that I loved, everything that I held dear? I'd always thought she was better than this. Always thought she would give me a chance. Let me have some sort of say. I guess I was wrong.

How could I have believed her? She made me think things would change, that I would be happier, that I didn't need anyone but her. It was us against the world, but I have come to realize, it was really her against the world. I was just drug along, I was her meal ticket.

People felt pitty for her, being a single mom. However, she was nothing close to a mother. She just wanted a slave. She wanted to prove that she had created something. But what had she created? My life of misery? If only I could tell her how much it hurt me. I wanted to let her see all the years I cried. Did she care at all? Did she want to get to know the real me? Was I a daughter to her? Did she even love me? Why did all of this happen.. why was I the only one left behind?

I had helped the others free themselves and they were now living their happy little lives. A part of me was insanely jealous. A part of me just wanted to run away, make up some lie to make things sound worse. Why didn't anyone care?

I had talked to so many of my teachers, the police had been to my house time and time again, but they always said there was no physical harm, so there was nothing they could do. What about emotional harm? Emotional harm can be just as bad! It is terrible. Might as well be physical, because it causes things like anxiety, which feel 100% physical.

I just don't understand how she could have put me through all of these things and never tell me sorry. Well, I mean, there have been a few times, but it was only when she was drunk. My therapist told me that maybe that was the only time she could get up the courage to tell me. Like, she was too ashamed but the alcohol calmed her down enough to be able to do so. Not sure, but ya.. I think it makes sense.

So anyway.. I'm just going through a lot right now. I think if you saw my vlogs, it would make more sense.. I'm going to upload them in the next few mins.. maybe I'll add the links to this site as well. Not sure tho, cuz I don't wanna make this site all about me or anything . Not sure who really wants to see me crying.. But ya.. I just wanna thank all of you for being so sweet to me and listening to me. I love all of you. hehe. Talk to you soon. I'm sure I'll be posting a lot tonight, because I just feel like writing and being creative. It helps me through times like this.

It was really hard to read your post and not put myself in your shoes, which I inevitably did. I am sorry that you've suffered through all this, but keep reminding yourself that it is all behind you now and that things will get better every day, little by little. It is good to cry, as it allows you to remove the negative energy and lets you empty out whatever has been accumulating since your childhood. Be strong and let your soul express itself as often as it wants, through your postings, vlogs and any other way that you prefer. You will see that things will start looking much brighter soon enough. Cheers to you!

Thank you!!! It's just something I had to get off my chest. It was a tough time for me and for some reason lately, I keep having dreams about being with her again