Hi,
I am 25 and my husband is 30, ours is an arranged marriage marriage and we are married less than a year. Iam from India, it is necessary to mention my country so that you can understand the problem from our culture point of view.My husband abuse me the way I led my past life.
My husband is from a small city where girls are very reserved. Girls do talk to guys but those girls were seen as not so cultured and traditional girls from my husbands point of view. My husbands family is very particular in that regard.I also belong to the same city but never grown there, I have grown in metro states and a broad minded society where girls are considered as equal as guys. I was an extrovert- jolly go natured girl, I care and help every one ( boys and girls) around me, I go out to restaurent and cinemas with my friends ( group of girls and boys), I talk to girls and boys equally. My friends have boyfriens and girl friends but I donot have a boyfriend. I used to work very hard and often come back home late so some of the male collegues drop me back home. I went in a group to few birthday parties and a trips on bike (with boys). I always take my parents permission where ever I go.
My husband hates me as I belong to same city he din`t expect this behaviour out of me. He says what is the necessary for you to spend time with boys. Sitting behind bike, going to parties and restaurents and movies, building up a rappot that too with those set of people who have girlfriends and boyfriends, why do you get so excited with boys?
I went to a pub once, I went out to a movie with a guy once, i came back from a restaurent late once. He couldnt take all these at all and tells that these were the most shameful things I can ever think of. All these incidents happened before marriage.
He abused me so many times for this reason, he says my acts were horrible, shameless. But,I tried to explain him these were kind of common in the society I live and is not considered shameless. He is concerned that I had given a chance to others to point fingure and talk bad about my character, but, I said the society where i stay nobody cares nor thinks like that and I have never behaved dirty or odd with guys. He argued saying, then why dint you married a guy who belong to that society and married me.
You tell me, How would I know he doesnt like all these things. And I told him before marriage all these things, we had an arguement, I thought he misunderstood and after I explained he was convienced. But till now after 9 months of marriage he blames me and abuse me and my parents. He abuse my parents so badly because they have not kept me in control and not grown me properly and let me do things.
Now, I always kept on telling him, see what ever has happend let it be, I will see to that this will never repeat in future, and I will behave in the way you want. He says you have done all the dirty acts in the past, freaked out and dont know had done what not things and enjoyed in the past and now like a fool you want me to accept you dirty female.

Help me out . I have not done any dirty things, I just dont know that a girl had to be so careful and controlled before marriage. How do I save my relation. He often says that he wants to leave me, as he is not happy with me, and he can`t live with a female like me. And moreover he is a kind of guy who gives importance to perfection rather than relations.
He is a very nice guy, cares a lot and he tried very much to forget those things but if there is any small fiction or argument between us for any small thing he digs the history and repeats the whole thing.
Plz advice. I am strong enough to accept anything and can take all his abuses to keep up my relation, all I want is he should be happy. But frankly, I am scared all the time thinking what will happen next?. I am also absused by my mother in law for every small thing( for other reasons, she doesnt know all these, she would hate me once she comes to know all these).
Plz advice.

Shireen I feel for you, and being from India myself understand what you are going through. This is obviously because of the different places you and your husband have been brought up in and lived in. But I don't think you should take this anymore, especially if you had told your husband about all the things before marriages, you have been honest and this is the price you pay for being honest?........its not good at all.
Like you said you mother in law abuses you, that's wrong too, but if you don't mind telling what does she abuse you about? Although your mother in law does not know about anything you done in the past, there are chances that your husband may tell her, that would make your life even more difficult, and now that your husband abuses your parents your mother in law may do the same after finding out the things you have mentioned before marriage.

Its a hard decision, but I would suggest you leave your husband, honestly speaking if you stay with him it will only make your life difficult..........I mean you were honest with him and told him everything and he abuses you because of that........which is wrong. This is happening now and it will obviously continue, why put your life at stake.

You haven't been married long, and you don't have any kids (as you haven't mentioned kids so I'm assuming this), you have had a job before, so are educated and confident enough to stand up for yourself and be independent. Your only 25 which is fine, you can always take your time and find someone else.........this may all be very harsh, but I'm saying this because this will make your life easier. If you stay with your husband you can not guarantee a happy life!!!

Shireen, you poor girl... You have nothing wrong, you just lived in a different culture, and you told your husband about these differences before marriage. It is so wrong of him to torment you like this for the past, especially since you have told him you will act the way he wants you to in the future.

I have no advice... I am not that familiar with the culture in India, so I don't know whether it would be appropriate for you to go back to your parents, seek their help, or perhaps even separate from your husband. Is there such a thing as marriage counseling available?

Honestly speaking Lissy I think the husband would not go for marriage counseling seeing the type of person he is and the place he has been brought up in, instead he would abuse and torment Shireen even more.

Yes Neetu1, you are probably right. Men like that think they can't possibly be wrong, it's all the woman's fault. They won't go to a counselor because they think they are perfectly fine.

Shireen its quite bad the way your husband is treating you, and I know where you are coming from when you say you want save your marriage, as its every womens thought that the marriage should be saved. But you need to know and ask yourself is the marriage worth saving. You need to picture yourself 5 years down the line, if you have doubts that it will be the same and your husband will bring back these topics and abuse then I would say its not worth saving the marriage. But then you also said that your husband tried forgetting what you told him and things which went on before marriage and he could not forget them, so there is a high possibility that this thing will always remain in his mind. I too am from India and also know how different minds of men brought up in village and not so forward places are like as compared to those brought up in met cities, which is why I have mentioned all the above.

Shireen, sorry for your situation.

Having said that, what do you mean by abuse? does he hit you? In
which case I would file a police complaint. Otherwise just yelling
and fighting would not be considered abuse.

Why don't you make an effort to spend time more with your
husband than your friends. Instead of going to a movie with
a guy friend why don't you go with your husband.

Sometimes you have to adjust to your new environs, You didn't do
anything wrong but now that you are in a different culture adjust to
this a bit and then slowly you can convince your husband.

don't take a belligerent stand that what you do is right. Sometimes
there are grey areas. Married life is all a matter of give and take
and adjusting and compromises. A happy married life is worth skipping
a few visits to the pub with your friends.

-F

Since he won't respond to marriage counseling, why don't you talk to another member of the family? Maybe if they could understand that you haven't done anything wrong, you could get that family member to talk to your husband.

Thanks to all for replying,

Well, I need advices to make this relationship, I dont want to give up or leave him. So, kindly suggest me how can I able to convience him that I am not that bad girl as he is thinking.
Abuse means oral abuse. My in-law stayed with us for 5 months and she abuses me for not doing the things properly, and not respecting her properly, and not listining to her and following her instructions, trust me I respect her a lot, but being very new to kitchen and the culture I have done few mistakes and some times argued with her. I feel irritated when she interferes in every damn small issues and give huge lecture. She also abuses my family members for not doing marriage preparations properly.
I think leaving him and his family is not a wise decision. How to make this relation is what matters to me. I have a younger sis unmarried, how can my family take it if I leave my guy in less than an year, and who will give hand to my sis.
I do not spend any time with my friends. Infact i am not in contact with them since i am married.
Ya, you r rite, I think my husband will not come and meet a advisor.
So this is my sittuation.

well, i always think its good to tell to elders and inturn they convience as hirami suggested, but he hates discussing this with anybody. if he comes to know that this matter has been discussed, thats it, there is no 2nd thought he would become very wild.

Things cannot change drastically in a short period of time.
You just need a bit more patience. Mother in laws are
usually like that, just don't lose your temper and argue with her.
It will improve after some time. Even if you are irritated with
her don't show it. Try to see the others point of view.
I am not saying it is all your fault, but it is only you that we
can give advise to since we are not talking to your husband.
It is things that you can do that we are advising.

Hope things work out.

-F

It is very good of you to try to make your marriage work. Since your husband does not want the matter discussed with anyone else, it is hard to think of what to do. Obviously, he does not listen to you. I hope he might listen to a wise older person, or perhaps a couple - if you find a way to have this other person talk to him.

I really feel for your situation and I really don't know what suitable advice I can offer you.

I just want you to feel that you can come here to Womans Forum and be amoung friends to whom you can talk things out with.

See if he will compromise with you. Tell him that if he doesn't want you going out with friends or anything that he should spend more time with you going to the movies, out to eat, and things like that. Maybe his anger is just him wanting to spend more time with you. He could have a very difficult time admitting it.

Well I think he's just expecting you to be something like what he used to see around him. He's kinda oldfashioned but I can't also blame his beliefs since he grew up in such a conservative town. It will take sometime to let him understand you. Just be patient and try to explain to him about your thoughts. Don't mind your MIL as all MIL's are like that to their son's wife.

If he's really stubborn about it and won't listen to reason and won't compromise, just stand up for yourself. It may take you getting angry and telling him that this is just who you are, and he needs to love you for who you are.

Hi Shireen. I feel for you, and I have experienced being abused too, so I know it feels bad but you don't want to give him up. Try getting him to go into counselling. His mind needs to be cleared and he has to accept that the times now are different.

I can understand your feelings .It is obvious , you know this is what life . Born as a woman you have to adjust with life especially after getting married .I suggest you to change yourself .As we are Indian women we have to follow some customs.No doubt how highly educated are you but, still we have to be bounded in certain traditions .After getting married we have to mold our selves
in our In laws traditions and customs .I suggest you think in your husband's point of view .He dislikes you because he feels humiliated in front of his family members when you are not abiding their custom and culture.Finally you try to change yourself and see the color full life is waiting for you spreading it's arms.

I don't think that will be easy for her to do. Once you've grown up to be like that it's kinda hard changing it. Just think about it both sides have their own defenses try to balance things up. Also try to cope up with his expectations little by little i'm sure he'll appreciate your efforts.

If he wants you to change so much, he'll have to change something, too. A real relationship is about trust and sacrifices. Don't give up your freedom without a fight. He should have to give up something in exchange.

First of all, sorry for the situation you are in... I sincerely hope that no one would ahve to have to face a dliema in their marriage whatever way it is...

From what you ahve written so far i assume that he doesnt abuse you' physically', so i think you still have a chance to give for your relationship and give an effort to make it work.

What i understand from this is that its much of his ego problem than anything else. He thinks that, he being from a differnet world (world as in experience) and didnt go through the same fun and enjoyment as you; is a envious about your past. He also thinks like a 'typical' husband that if his wife has been riding on the back of a bike, going to a movie and coming late from a restaurant and going to pub were things you have done; then there is a really big chance that you MIGHT have crossed the limit somewhere too. So his ego is being hurt thinking that the woman he married is not completely his ( i know its absurd, but thats how it is).

To overcome this, you CANNOT win over his ego of the situation and win. you should work on building his trust, so that when you say you didnt do something "dirty" (as you want to call it).. Support him in his good and turn your face when there is a situation. Never try to beg or plead with him to prove your past. Talk to him when he is calm. Do things which will build trust like standing up for him on other grounds or situations.

Make him feel that he can trust you, once you do that you can see him understand and feel for you in a better manner.

After saying all this, let me add that there is a limit upto which one can handle these situations, especially when you ahvent done anything wrong. so for the sake of your marriage give it a try to solve things in between yourselves. Counseling is the key solution out of it, so when he starts trusting you, convince him that for bot of you to be together its very necessary that you go through it and get help in keeping your marriage alive..

But i strongly suggest that you sit and decide as to how much more and how long can you survive a suffering relationship... Sometimes you just ahve to make that decision to start your life anew...

All the best for you, and i hope that your life would ahve love, happiness and smiles

Ohhh... Thank you so much for such a wonderful support. I couldnt reply all these days as I was very bizz... U guys know what? Things are soso so so good now... He is not very irritated now a days. we has a talk, it was lil painful for a week, but after that he sort of changed.
I told him - I have grow within the boundaries and limits of a particular culture which is considered out of boundaries as per your culture, but, how ever was my past, right now I am changed and adopted your way, if you keep doubting and point on my past I really can give explaination every time you ask, but you decide for how many long years more will you ask me same questions. Its only in your hands how peaceful can we live.

I really dont no whether this changed him or something else?

but, we are very happy now, we hardly fight and he`s loving me more.

Hope this continuessss....

I am sure u guys would be very happy to hear this news... Thanks to all..

MR SENSIBLE

I really liked the way u drafted your point of views and tried helping me out..
Thanks...

Glad to hear that. Good luck.
-F

That's wonderful news to hear that the two of you are getting along better. That was a small bump, but I'm sure that you both handled it wonderfully. Not many marriages can handle that.

dear dear, i really feel for you.

you have fallen into mess. but why didnt you think about his family background. why did u marry in such narrowminded family ?

there is nothing wrong in being open, but i think u should have taken some judgement, better think about it and take action, maybe u can ask ur hubby to stay seperately. my hubby is very openminded when we are on our own. When we go back home. he puts restrictions.

even after 8 years of marriage, i am able to have a normal life like before. i have boyfriends, go out often, to movies, shopping and that too with full conent of hubby. i think for your personality, you should have chosen a broadminded hubby.

So glad to hear things are turning around. Be careful and take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.

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-Brittany Brydahl